For Her

It is now 3:45 in the morning, i haven't been able to sleep at all and its due mainly to feeling guilty. I have spent some amount of time jumping from bed to bed not really searching for someone special i think, but instead I believe it's just because I am in every sense of the word a prick.

I recently started and talking to and once actually hung out with a girl who I'm not going to say is the "one" but she changed me. This is in no way one of those sensitive guy things where I'm going to cry out my emotions and then just be a fairy, this is serious and even though this will all sound wimpish, bear with me and try and read it with a manly and masculine undertone. This girl, I wont say her name, was completely different from every other girl, woman or anything I had ever met. She was fun, there was no drama queen side or pain in the ass weekly cry session. In the eyes of men everywhere she was perfect. She was more than that. I wasn't in love, love is something that takes time, understanding and maturity these are things that people my age cannot understand and do not have. As much as we say it it does not exist. I was and still am a big fan of everything about her. Not only does she have the personality and spunk that every guy wished women everywhere had. She is gorgeous. And despite her many rejections of this comment, I know it is true.

So I blew it, basically, that's what happened. I wont go into detail but there was a rumor that got spread and even though i didn't start it I hold myself rightfully at fault because it was most likely something that came out of my mouth that provoked it. To tell you the truth I am beating myself up over this. That is why this girl is so extraordinary. I really don't care about these things, at all. But when it comes to this girl for some unknown reason I do. I completely cut any and all other girls out of my life while i was still in the late night cell phone conversation part of whatever we were. I wanted nothing to do with other girls, even if that meant i would be denied a certain something I so frequently enjoyed before. She, for some reason, had me obsessed in the most non-creepy way you can imagine, and if you are a creepy person then don't imagine in fact just stop reading now because i don't want creepy people reading my blog.

The real reason I am writing this is not for whoever reads this, I am writing this because either today or tomorrow I am going to give her the birthday present i got for her and inside the envelope i am going to put this website. I am hoping that she reads this and in some form of luck and or miracle she decides to forgive me because, for reasons unknown, not talking to her is systematically driving me crazy. I am not looking for a relationship. I am not looking for love. I am looking for someone i can enjoy myself with and that is her. Someone that, despite the massive shit storm i have been through recently and the many things that have fucked me up over time, can make me genuinely smile and occasionally laugh. And even though she doesn't get a lot of my jokes, and quite frankly comedy is really all i got, I think that on some level i can connect with her a little bit. I swear to all of you reading this, especially her, I am not gay. But please when you read this I want you to know that I take full responsibility for everything that has happened, and I am asking you to consider taking me back as a friend or whatever it was you considered me before the incident. I understand fully if you can't and quite frankly I wouldn't blame you. But this is my last effort mainly because my looks certainly aren't going to get me any further. So I am going to ask you to at least think about it for like 3 seconds and if u still want my testicles to rot and die then I wont blame you nor will I continue to pester you with pleas to forgive me.

Thank you

Tribute to The Box

I think that as someone who hasn't really experienced the wonders and terrors of the world that I have a rather fleeting view of it. I do however understand many of the things around me, which is more than I can say for most of my generation. I understand that even though each year we elect a more bloodthirsty ignorant war pig, we do it with intentions of bettering our lives. I also know that even though we are one of the most hated countries on the planet, we are probably the most fortunate. Despite the fact that I frequently complain about the many things that are wrong with this country and all of it's people, I do understand how fortunate we all are to be here.

My best friend is possibly the most important person in my life. To say the least I think he is the only person in the whole world who knows the real me. He is the exact opposite of me and In many ways represents many of the things in this world that i hate so much. However, he is not something I hate. He may be something i want to choke until his skin turns blue, but despite all of his differences he is one of the greatest people I know.

We recently had a discussion about whether people act on logic or emotion. It is true that in many cases logic is a big part of our decision making process, but I am a firm believer that under certain circumstances hope and emotion drive us to act. He disagreed, he told me that hope is nothing more than a word and that while he would agree that it exists it isn't something that has any effect on our ability to change things in the world. This was one of those moments where choking him was running through my mind, luckily this conversation was through the computer and I am far too lazy to drive to Northeastern to simply choke someone then leave.

I am writing this because at least once a week we have a conversation about something either online or on the phone. And when the subject of him changing something about himself comes up his only response is simply "The box Jake, the box". this of course, for those of you who aren't mind readers, means that everything he enjoys and finds good in life, which is almost nothing, is inside an imaginary box that he lives in. he allows nothing in unless it pleases him, And to make sure that nothing gets in he doesn't like he really limits his entries. it is sad really, but sadly there is nothing I can do about it. so our above conversation about logic and emotion is a perfect example, for his opinions are in the box as well, yet unlike everyone else other peoples opinions that are not his own are not allowed in the box. so in truth this is not really a tribute to the box, but rather a big F-U. And that is all I have for you today, i really hope all of my non-existent readers enjoy this.

As you get older things become more realistic and less imaginative. Things that were once chores are your way of relaxing, and life itself is a race rather than an adventure. I miss the days of childhood where waking up at 7 in the morning was awesome because you had that much more of the day to enjoy; now waking up at seven is a curse and your day of fun is spent in an office where smiles are not allowed. Back then watching t.v was so you could enjoy a good laugh or watch your favorite superheroes save the world; now watching t.v is to be informed about the weather or what's happening in the world. Why can't we just forget sometimes, just let ourselves get whisked away for a night . Be overcome by some crazy dream and imagine the world as our playground. Responsibilities are there yes, but the imagination does not have to die with adulthood. I firmly believe, as young and naive as i am, that we should never stop being children; no matter how old we are.

Why is it that to be successful and to be what society needs of you, you have to abandon your inner child? Why not embrace them? Why not let them remain? Is it really so bad to be young at heart? to be playful and curious and imaginative?

I am only 18, honestly I don't know a lot and you will never catch me saying i do. But as little as I know and as many times as I have heard the words "grow up, theres no future in being an immature dreamer." i will never stop dreaming and I will never let go of the kid i used to be. Because truthfully, without that kid I wouldn't survive. The world is too serious of a place and without a little fun in your life I cannot see how people can live. Laughter is the most contagious thing in the world, it's also one of the healthiest. Yet it's astonishing how little you see it in the world today. With so many horrible things happening both inside and outside of the country it's surprising that people can laugh. I, however, believe that despite the horrible evils of the world that laughter can and should prevail and it's the inner child that provokes it.

I have been a rather dark and some-what depressing blogger so far and I'm sure there will be quite a few more written with the same pessimistic point of view. But for now this is what I am going to say to you. Being a serious person is great, it shows that you have matured since high school and become a man/woman of promise and success. But being that person all the time every day? Come on, thats wrong whats the point of even being alive if you're not going to enjoy life every once in a while. So what i have to say to you is this; don't be that person who looks at life as one more business meeting, or one more chore. Look at life as an adventure, as another day in the amazing life and times of you.

I think that we start off as children for two reasons. One being that a full grown man would make pregnancy not only a bitch, but also rare. And two; the way a child looks at the world, is the way it's meant to be seen, as a wonderful place where anything is possible and the only way to live life is to simply enjoy.

I dont know how many of you are familiar with the song "Mad world" originally played by tears for fears, but Gary Jules did a much better job with it. The song is the theme song to the movie Donnie Darko and it creates a feeling of lonelyness in the listener. The song itself, I believe from reading the lyrics, is about the way we live our lives and how it destroys us as people. Social groupings in the world have dug trenches around people keeping them from widening their cultural ranges. Whats considered cool has become the new standard for who is acceptable and who is to be denied friendship, the youth of the world is being controlled; not only by the media but by over protective parents, schools limiting aducation plans and altogether limiting creativity and the values and perspectives of a generation long past their days of childhood and creative outlook.

I myself can't say that i have had many experiences, any at that. But i can say that as someone who has recently been through the educational system, I am outraged by the walls put in place to keep wandering minds focused on what is considered "important". Private schools are becoming too expensive, and public schools have no real schedule aside from to prepare students for standardized testing. I have never seen nor have i considered myself to be a standard person. There has never existed a person on this planet who was "standard" without the help of a labotomy.

The human mind exists for three main functions as far as i am concerned; to accumulate knowledge for personal gain, to evaluate situations and ultimately determine how to react, and to allow the expression of emotion to be comprehended. Even in art and other supposed creative classes in schools it is very rare that you find someone truly willing to help students express creativity and emotion. Art has become a more visual form of math, writing classes are slowly transforming into study halls. Chorus, band, and theatre are our only real hope, and they are rapidly being destroyed by the dogmatic, creatively shallow minds of the people in charge.

i understand in ful why adults with degrees are in charge, and they should be the ones making decisions, setting the rules, and providing us with what we need to become educated adults ourselves. But when they decide what we need is a very precise list of classes that lack imagination and creativity because they keep us from focusing on achievment. Then i think they need to be put in place and ba forced to distrubute their power. When i was in junior high recess was taken away from us because it was believed that it got in the way of our learning. In what way is being active and social bad?

If that is the case then sports are wrong and shouldn't be allowed because there is not enough time being devoted to draining our thoughts and imagination. I think that if they had the money it would just be easier for all students to be given a mandatory labottomy, I mean that is really all schools are accomplishing by taking away our artistic classes.

When you can't get into an art school because you don't know the chemical reaction of Potassium and Chlorine, there is a problem. It doesn't matter that you can recreate the sisteen chapel in 15 minutes, or that you can write a play that rivals Hamlet. When you cannot accomplish your goals because you are not the perfect student, there is a huge problem with your educational system.

To get back to my original point, which i have strayed incredibly far from. The song "Mad World has a verse which says; The dreams in which I'm dying, Are the best I've ever had. I think this is very appropriate seeing as how a life lived not for the happiness of the beholder, is a life not worth living. i recently said something to myself, in a non-psychotic way, "what are dreams when there is no hope" dreams cannot exist without the hope they will be realized. If schools cannot or will not provide our youth with what they need to fullfill their dreams, there is no question that anti depressants will see a soar in prices.

The world has gone mad in may ways, and to see that our worlds future is a barren, bleak world where there is no laughter, no imagination, no hope; it makes me wonder whether or not i even want to grow up, it makes me wonder if i even want to be a part of something so ugly and depressing. I can't sit here and say that the word today is a depressing horrible place. The truth is it's wonderful in many ways. But I can say that with enough time put into draining all hope and life from kids today, life can become as dark and depressing as the saddest of love stories. That is how people should look at their lives, as a love story. If we could see life in the beautiful array of colors it can be drawn and allow minds to create and imagine, the world would be a cheerful and hopeful place where there is no happy ending; but rather a happy forever.

Don't ask, I wouldn't know how to tell

So today i was thinking about how the world itself can be seen, as most know, in two ways when you look with a very wide range. Everyone knows about pesimisim and optimism, but when you think about it even when forced to put views into two seperate groups isnt enough. In school you are taught to see things the way the state tells those who care for you to teach it. There is no area on tests to write in your own answer, even when you are asked for your opinion if it is too distant from the point they are trying to make then you are either passed over or corrected. After school in life you see things change but the margins move very little. Why is it that in this world where everything is so open and free, we have so few variations of the choices we can make.

I will not argue that ones life cannot become great. I will, however, argue that without extreme confidence in oneself, which so few of us have, that the life we so desperately yearn for can and will never become real. For a nation of people so eager to label themselves citizens of the greatest country in the world, we lack the very trait necessary to fulfill such remarks. I will never understand the inner workings of the human mind nor do I intend to waste any time attempting to uncover the smallest of clues to begin the unraveling. I will say, understanding how ignorant I must sound and agreeing that i have no valid reason for doing so (but who cares what you think this is my damned blog), that for a nation where arrogance and ignorance are the most common mindsets we are pretty far from where we should stand.

I don't really have anything more to say understanding that what i have written above is relatively broken and misguided. I am going to end my rant here before I become completely incoherent in my writing. Enjoy, or get lost. Whichever works better for you i suppose.

I myself am something of an up-and-coming young writer. Of course if spell check and my college english teacher didn't exist that would not be possible. I have not yet published anything but i am currently working on a book titled "The Black Sparrows". the book takes place about 400 hundred years in the future after the end of World War Three (which I am sure in reality will come about 399 years sooner). It follows to men who stayed behind enemy lines all four years of the war and ultimately won the war for the allied nations. The book begins about a year and a half after the war ends and we fond that the two men have settled down in Montana and opened a hunting/bait shop/general store (I'm sure it exists somewhere, don't hate) with the money the recieved for their valor and patriotism. The main character, Jake, is a bit of a pessimist with a rather colorful sense of humor kept between him and the reader. He is also an avid bird watcher which greatly plays into the story line and the title itself. His best friend and the other leading character, Danny, is more of a loose cannon in a very comical sense, he is very free with his mouth, very much like that kid who solves all his problems and wins all his fights with sarcastic humor. Together the two make a very humorous pair. the story line itself is actually not the most original but it has its moments. Shortly after the start of the book you find out that the mess after WWIII has not yet been cleaned up and in the midst an American special forces squad was captured. Jake and Danny are found and confronted by their ex commanding officer and told to recruit 6 men and women from any branch of the military they want, to go back behind enemy lines. As the story continues the team uncovers a plot by the American government to take advantage of the world as it recovers from the war and create a world wide empire. The title itself is a metaphor explained in the book as so; Sparrows are the only bird, where no matter the size or the number of predators, they will defend their home and all of its contents. this itself applies to the squad which is why Jake(the avid birdwatcher) names his squad after the bird. i will keep anybody reading this updated as i continue with the story.

alright heres one more, i swear last awful poem i'll make all you non-existant people read. i promise, unless you complain then I'll write a poem everyday and make you read them.


Jake McDonough Freewrite
Hope is a flower that blooms in the city
Under the pollution and red traffic lights
Hope is a breeze that cools the whole street
And picks us up on those hot summer nights

Hope is a child that never gets old
And never stops laughing through life
Hope is a cure that raises the dead
And brings back that lost husband or wife

Hope is a dove that sits on your sill
And sings you to sleep when your down
Hope is a friend who never forgets
That you love to go out on the town

Hope is a drink that quenches and heals
And keeps you going all day
Hope is your angel who watches forever
Keeping you happy in every way

Hope is a raindrop that puts out a fire
And saves a village from pain
Hope is an umbrella over your head
Keeping you dry in the rain

Hope is a child selling some fruit
To give a family a chance to live
Hope is an apple with a million seeds
So this earth has that much more to give

Hope is a country united as one
To rebuild what they may have lost
Hope is a charity collecting for people
To help them no matter what the cost

Hope is a stranger willing to give
To people who can only receive
Hope is a family waiting for a relative
To be cured of some terrible disease

Hope is no pride but only belief
That you can do what must be done
Hope is a blind man walking down the street
Admiring the glow of the son

Hope is a jumble of all different races
Working towards a greater way of life
Hope is a wolf walking through the woods
Granting a deer its life

Hope is me and hope is you
Despite what you think its not what we do
Hope is our way of moving through life
And making decisions that put an end to strife

this next installment is all about big topics in the pot circle i am so frequently involved in. haha i really hope cops arent reading this, but if they are pot is the new hip word for knitting. well here it is; "dude like what if we were like ants and ants were like us man, you think they would like.. (exhale) step on us man?

Hahahaha I'm kidding thats the last thing i would write about. Mainly because i cant think of how to continue it, but also because, really, who cares.

ok so i really cant think of anything i want to bitch about right now so for all you non-existant avid readers I am going to give you quite a treat. i have been told that i am a rather talented up and coming poet, however i and going to be a journalist. but a little poetry never hurt anyone, unless ofcourse you're a witch (those rhyming spells were always nasty). alright here we go, and if its not good then go read something else because I dont care what you think.


If you were to tell me angels were real
I would have to disagree
I would tell you that angels represented love
Something that was stolen from me

I didn’t tell you that my heart was yours
And now I regret that I waited
I wanted to tell you with all my heart
But my courage was asleep and sedated

I wish I could tell you who you are
So you would know that its you I love
I was hoping for you to be there forever
Your not, shame is all I haven’t gotten rid of

Love was something I treasured the most
Above all the other wonders in life
I saved my heart for you my love
But I let you go, adding to my strife

I’m not trying to say that this was your fault
Because it is me who deserves the blame
My love for you melted my heart
And I let you fly away

I am sorry I left this for you to read
Unaware of who you are
You took my heart and threw it away
Now all that’s left is a scar

and that is it for now, i hope you enjoyed it, but i really don't; its more something i say to make you all feel more like i actually care about you.

explanation

the title of my Blog i guess you would say, is not some sad depressed title for someone who listens to anorexic, goths sing, them cuts himself lightly in the bathroom to release the pain of life. the title is rather a way of describing the mentality of anyone who is alive today. life isn't as awful as some drama queens may make it out to be, but it was best described by a friend of mine who said this;

"life is not fun, it's not something people wake up and smile about unless they have survived a near death experience. life itself it a game of dodge-ball the seasoned more experienced players usually last longer and are better players, the over thinkers and those afraid to take chances are usually the ones who suck big time. thats all life really is."

Christians i believe (I'm totally talking out of my ass now, the last time i was in a church was for my baptism, and I'm totally basing this on what i saw in Constantine) see hell as a fiery pit where the damned are forced to relive their sins for all of eternity, I'm sure for those in for adultery hell is more like eating a crispy cream donut for the first time. for those of you who are real bad-asses you see hell as the better alternative to heaven, which is full of pansies, where you can be cool for the rest of eternity chillen with the devil swapping dirty jokes.

As for me i see heaven and hell as states of mind you enter when you die. i believe that when you die your mind lives on in spirit and you basically live a dream for the rest of your non-life, that's how i see it and screw you if you don't like it go bitch to someone who isn't me.

now that i have gone completely off track and shared with you information i wasn't even aware i shared and am now to lazy to delete, i will resume my very unimportant and highly uncared about topic.

so if you have forgotten go up a few paragraphs or whatever these are and read it again, because i don't feel like writing that again. my reasoning for labeling my blog "A Different Kind of Hell" is that everyone sees hell one way or another, whether it be a horrible place full of pain and agony, or something like a small bar where you go to relax with a few of the boys. it is nothing like life, but life itself is considered to be a living hell at times hence a different kind of hell.

This is my first time doing something like this and frankly, i never thought it would be something on my agenda. I'm not expecting anyone to read this but if they do, i could care less. this is for me i need something to keep myself occupied and t.v just doesn't cut it anymore. As a human being, not as an American, i think the world has gone to shit. I say that of course with no legitimate facts to back it up. there are many aspects of this world and this country that i like, love and admire. Among those are NOT politicians, know-it-alls, smug rich people, and most of all racists. thats what I'm going to bitch about now, racism isn't just a southern thing anymore, no offense to any non racist southerners which I'm sure is a large majority, it has become something that could be considered cool and it bothers the shit out of me. Why is it that using a word I'm sure most don't even know the definition of is cool and in most cases acceptable. Now I have heard people say that because blacks can call themselves the "N" word it means we can too. First this is not true, for the record I believe that we as white people over used that word quite a bit in the past. Secondly, why the hell do you care what some else refers to themselves or friends as, its has nothing to do with you so let it go. As for racisim itself where people just feel the need to hate someone different from themselves. I have nothing to say to you. but if i did I'm sure that either during or after my verbal assault I would throw something at you, probably a fist even though fighting isn't really one of my better abilities. that is really all i have to say about that, and just so you know my punctuation skills are less than adequate and frankly i don't care so either read it and deal with it or don't read it. I'll sleep tonight either way.