For Her

It is now 3:45 in the morning, i haven't been able to sleep at all and its due mainly to feeling guilty. I have spent some amount of time jumping from bed to bed not really searching for someone special i think, but instead I believe it's just because I am in every sense of the word a prick.

I recently started and talking to and once actually hung out with a girl who I'm not going to say is the "one" but she changed me. This is in no way one of those sensitive guy things where I'm going to cry out my emotions and then just be a fairy, this is serious and even though this will all sound wimpish, bear with me and try and read it with a manly and masculine undertone. This girl, I wont say her name, was completely different from every other girl, woman or anything I had ever met. She was fun, there was no drama queen side or pain in the ass weekly cry session. In the eyes of men everywhere she was perfect. She was more than that. I wasn't in love, love is something that takes time, understanding and maturity these are things that people my age cannot understand and do not have. As much as we say it it does not exist. I was and still am a big fan of everything about her. Not only does she have the personality and spunk that every guy wished women everywhere had. She is gorgeous. And despite her many rejections of this comment, I know it is true.

So I blew it, basically, that's what happened. I wont go into detail but there was a rumor that got spread and even though i didn't start it I hold myself rightfully at fault because it was most likely something that came out of my mouth that provoked it. To tell you the truth I am beating myself up over this. That is why this girl is so extraordinary. I really don't care about these things, at all. But when it comes to this girl for some unknown reason I do. I completely cut any and all other girls out of my life while i was still in the late night cell phone conversation part of whatever we were. I wanted nothing to do with other girls, even if that meant i would be denied a certain something I so frequently enjoyed before. She, for some reason, had me obsessed in the most non-creepy way you can imagine, and if you are a creepy person then don't imagine in fact just stop reading now because i don't want creepy people reading my blog.

The real reason I am writing this is not for whoever reads this, I am writing this because either today or tomorrow I am going to give her the birthday present i got for her and inside the envelope i am going to put this website. I am hoping that she reads this and in some form of luck and or miracle she decides to forgive me because, for reasons unknown, not talking to her is systematically driving me crazy. I am not looking for a relationship. I am not looking for love. I am looking for someone i can enjoy myself with and that is her. Someone that, despite the massive shit storm i have been through recently and the many things that have fucked me up over time, can make me genuinely smile and occasionally laugh. And even though she doesn't get a lot of my jokes, and quite frankly comedy is really all i got, I think that on some level i can connect with her a little bit. I swear to all of you reading this, especially her, I am not gay. But please when you read this I want you to know that I take full responsibility for everything that has happened, and I am asking you to consider taking me back as a friend or whatever it was you considered me before the incident. I understand fully if you can't and quite frankly I wouldn't blame you. But this is my last effort mainly because my looks certainly aren't going to get me any further. So I am going to ask you to at least think about it for like 3 seconds and if u still want my testicles to rot and die then I wont blame you nor will I continue to pester you with pleas to forgive me.

Thank you