Angry Letters

Some time ago I was with a friend who was down on her luck and in an attempt to cheer her up and resolve her problem I vowed to write her a series of angry letters with a comedic undertone, posing as her of course. These letters weren't going to be sent anywhere, just to be shared between the two of us. So i finally got around to writing them and was so proud of my work that I decided to share them with whoever felt they could take time out of their 'incredibly busy' day, selfish pricks. So here they are. There are three. And remember I am very proud of them and if you don't enjoy them then you can die, or just not read my blog of the former doesn't fit into your very busy life. Jerks.

Dear Nazi’s…. I mean Gatorade

I have recently come to the conclusion that you have felt it necessary to discontinue a certain flavor of your sports drink. Seeing as how you probably discontinue dreams… I am sorry, flavors all to often you most assuredly do not know of which I am referring. But seeing as how every moment I think about you and your company I get ill I will make this quick and get to the point. The flavor you Discontinued was titled Green Apple. A heavenly flavor with the bitter fore taste and the immediate sugary sensation all relative to the most popular fruit there is, apples. I apologize for speaking down to you I just have the feeling that since you are unable to recognize and decent flavor that you may be mentally handicapped. If I am wrong I am afraid my utter disgust for you will not permit me to apologize. If I am right, however, I am afraid all I can say is, ha hahaha haha ha ha ha. So if you are going to take anything away from this letter let it be this. I hope you all are left void of your loins and develop serious and painful illnesses resulting in either death or physical deformity. That is all, burn in hell.

Sincerely, A disgruntled and dangerous consumer


Dear Ben and merely by association, Jerry,

It has come to my attention that you no longer produce the flavor Bovinity Divinity. On your website in your “flavor graveyard” section which was so blandly and obnoxiously named, probably by Jerry. I found your “crypt” in which you list your relinquished flavors and read the ‘eulogy’ for this divine flavor. It was there that you wrote and I quote “was it too sweet or were those little cows simply too cute to eat?” I must say that you both should be ashamed of yourselves for hiring whatever hack writer to compile such a horrid attempt at humor. Ben, I have always found you attractive and to be an all around wonderful person. So it is with a heavy heart that I must say you disgust me I fear that from this point forward I may get sick whenever I think of you. Jerry, I can’t say I am surprised and quite simply I expected no less from a low-life like yourself. I think that it is safe to say that I will never be purchasing another pint, quart or any measurement of you ice cream again, and under the circumstances I think you can for all intents and purposes, eat shit and die.

Thank you for hearing my complaint, a dissatisfied and now former customer

Dear Eric,

I am writing to inform you that due to your lack of sensitivity and caring towards me during my time of weakness, also known as prom season, I have called the Mexican government and informed them of your whereabouts letting them know that you are in this country illegally. They, in turn, have contacted your local citizenship authorities and INS agents will be intercepting you soon. They will then take you to the Mexican border where the US border patrol will escort you to the nearest prison where you will spend a rather large amount of time having eaten several babies in your homeland on top of 3 counts of ‘being a dick’. Just so you are aware you will be subjected to serious amounts of anal penetration by men who will be staring at you hungrily from the moment you arrive at the prison. And for the record had you done the right thing or better yet, the human thing, I very well may have rocked your wild after prom exposing you to pleasures you may never experience elsewhere in life. However since you decided to be a gigantic penis face I believe that you will walk the streets of Mexico never knowing what a real woman can do to you in bed aside from what your local array of female animals can provide you with. Have a wonderful life, and don’t forget that my vagina was probably the only human one you may have ever come into contact with. Enjoy fucking goats, burn in hell.

Most angrily and with immense hatred, the girl that would have ridden you like a baboon in heat, dick weed