Seeing as how the angry letters worked so well in their debut i have decided to try them again and see if a return appearance works just as well. If so I am thinking about making them a weekly event. While also, of course, complaining and moaning about how stupid people are. So here is a second set of letters I have composed. However these were written for my own pleasure as opposed for that of someone else.
Dear Gas executives,
First of all I would like to say that I wish very strongly each and every one of you rendered impotent in some horrific chemical accident, of course involving the very gas that has made you bastards rich. Like a very destructive irony. There are not words that can describe the happiness something like that would bring me. My reason for sending you this letter was not, in fact, to write the very vulgar and emotionally agonizing words you so greatly deserve. And even though I have smeared toxic and terribly brutal poisons all over this letter in an attempt to kill you, that is merely a secondary objective. The primary reason for my sending this letter was to pitch a new advertisement idea in which all of the gas companies across the world come together. Imagine, if you will, men standing around a solitary woman in a makeshift circle. Each of the men is wearing a black polo, each bearing the logo of a different companies name. And the woman is wearing a white t-shirt with the word "consumer" written across the chest. She then says politely; "excuse me, I am rather hungry and quite thirsty, do you think you maybe could spare some food and if it's not too much trouble something to drink?" And all at once the men standing around her viciously kick the woman until she is unable to move, take her jewelery, purse, and all other belongings and leave her for dead. I think it is a brilliant idea and I think it portrays your methods very accurately. Take some time to think it over and if any of you remain alive after the poison sets in, please contact me to express your opinion on the matter. Thank you very much.
Sincerely, the harbinger of your doom
Dear America On-Line
I would like you to know that you are doing a great job with keeping people in touch with each other. I use your product often and I have to say that my amount of complaints is minimal. And for those who know me that is not something experienced often by me. However i do have one thing i would like to say to you. What the hell were you thinking with the god damned smileys ass-holes? Are they really necessary? And even on the rare occasion that someone does use them, do you really think they get the job done? Lets take a look at the emotional range of smileys you pricks thought would be useful. For starters we have the winking smiley. i have never felt so uncomfortable in my life as I did when i received one of those. I have never been raped, but thanks to you guys a have a pretty good idea of what it's like. Next we have the crying smiley. Honestly i think this one is a result of getting too close to the winking smiley. Next we have the blushing smiley. What the hell is wrong with this one? It looks like it is sitting on a dryer. Jesus people kids are using these things. You are the people responsible for 13 year old girls starting pregnancy cults. After that we have the happy smiley. This one looks like it just snorted an ounce of Valium, coke, red bull and fun dip. And people wonder where kids learn about drugs. Hidden messages anyone? And finally, since I honestly can't remember anymore not that I think I want to, we have the 'ooh' smiley. Unless i am mistaken that is the universal sign for, "I have no gag reflex". You people make me sick. So go home, think about how much you suck, come back to work, design a more refined group of smileys, and god dammit make a wider variety. There are more then 6 emotions people.
Sincerely, Someone with nothing better to do
Dear Math
First and foremost, stop being such a little bitch. There is no reason you have to be this hard. And honestly, I think it's time to get over the fact that 9 times out of 10, no one is ever going to use you once they leave school. It is just a fact of life. And also, stop making shit up. X will never be larger than any number, want to know why? X isn't a god damned number. You just couldn't get over the fact that you suck, you made a deal with English and now you are making letters into numbers. Well i got news for you jackass, I'm not buying it, so pack up, get on a train going 35 miles an hour to Shut the hell up and figure out how the hell long it will take you to get there ass hole. No one will ever love you as much as lunch, just accept it.
Sincerely, Everyone
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1 comment:
Mmmm, Fun Dip.
The math one kills me. I read it regularly.
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